The Monstrous Art

Holy crap, how is it Friday already? I swear I was just drafting a post about RPGSS S9's monster round... and suddenly the week is over.

Spoiler: I haven't finished writing my critiques of the monsters, but I will most certainly get to them all. Unfortunately due to (yet another) DQ that I probably don't agree with, there's only a Top 15 this year. This has not helped me get my questionably critical ass in gear.

But that's not what this post is about. This is a preface to the monstrous art of monster creation--and it truly is an art. Sure, there's a ton of statistics for what each CR should have and how things should work and how things need to be balanced. That's not what making a creature is about, as is very clearly demonstrated with the entries in RPGSS this year. They're much more art than science, and while you can break the rules for items or maps or encounters or whatever to make them interesting, breaking the rules for your monster is ten times more important.

A monster needs to shine. Just as we do our mapping a little differently on my ship, I've got a different sort of love for monsters. In much the same vein as mapping, it's all about the cinematic value of a monster for me. I want a monster to evoke a really awesome scene, creating memories and stories shared for years after the encounter.

Obviously, not every encounter can be super-duper memorable. (That'd be a helluva lot of memories.) There's a need for random gobbos and kobolds and orcs to wade into the PCs and get slaughtered for glorious, glorious treasure. After all, the mighty dragon and his very memorable encounter would never have his hoard if he hadn't murdered countless innocents for it.

I'm also not a stickler for balance. Like, at all. I am 100% supportive of throwing entirely unfair fights at my players. Maybe I trust their experience a little too much, or maybe they trust that I'll fudge the dice behind my GM screen just a bit more than usual, or perhaps we all just enjoy seeing underdogs overcome tremendous odds in a mutual storytelling session. Whatever the reason, I've got no eye for the numbers. Overpowered, underpowered: what's the point if the fight doesn't stick in my mind as one worth remembering?

And that, dear readers, brings me to the point of this post.

 The reefclaw.

 I don't know who drew this, but I love you.

Yep, they're death lobsters. Murderous, poisonous, intelligent death lobsters. And they're delicious.

In my mind, this thing embodies the spirit of creature design--and not just because I can fish for them using stowaways. They take a simple concept and perfect it. "Okay, so hear me out--it's a lobster, but on some serious drugs."

So you've got this low CR monster will a thousand different cool things it can do. It's got a pair of claw attacks, because one claw is for babies. It's got grab, so you can't get away. It's poisonous, so you're not going anywhere with your 6 points of Strength damage. It's amphibious, so don't even think about being safe on the shoreline. It's got ferocity, so it doesn't actually die when it should be dead. And even when it does die, it's got death frenzy to bring you with it. Oh, and it's smart enough to understand you. Better not share your battle tactics out loud, because it might just know which one of you to murder first.

It's just a basic monster. It could be just as boring as every run-of-the-mill kobold. "Oh great, it's got claws again. Meh." But it's not. It's a toolbox of synergy between cinematic value, flavor, and mechanics. You know what's worse than a crocodile death rolling you into the water? Of course you do.

Let's just say my players are more afraid of water in my games than when playing Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

Also, did I mention they're delicious? What's better than a lobster but a giant death lobster made fat on the blood of my enemies?

The Captain's Cartography Critque (Part 2)

With the winners of this round announced, I almost feel like I'm kicking the cartographer while he's down. I--almost--feel a little bad about it. Almost.

Mercy is not in this Captain's line of work. Nor was it present in anyone else's when telling me how awful my map was. But that's okay, because I already knew that.

(Also, I'm going to go through these without double-checking which ones made the cut. As if that somehow made a difference in my exceedingly opinionated ranting.)

The Weeping Garden of Naderi

The layout of this one feels really well done. It's a walled garden in a bustling city, and it sure feels that way. While symmetry often feels boring on these maps, it sort of works here. The location isn't so big or closed-in that the symmetry feels forced or bland. It really kind of contributes the circular nature of it.

It's also filled with haunts, which are cool, I guess. What concerns me most here would be interesting encounters. Sure, there's a bunch of haunts in these little garden chamber things and it's a nice location for a big open fight or something... but I guess the most interesting thing that could happen here is a creature charging through the bushes and ignoring the grass walls. And then, really, all you have is a big circle with a couple of sight-blocking obstacles and some haunts you probably don't want to poke.

Feedlot CL-477

Man, I am so jealous of people that can draw. "Here's an awesome map that looks really well done on the grid and hey, here's an isometric view of the building just 'cuz." I can't even draw stick figures well. You guys suck.

I mean, you don't suck. That's the problem. This is place is awesome. And by that I mean it's awful. Holy crap is this place terrible. It's goddamn glorious in its awfulness. This is another case of symmetry done right. It looks amazing from the isometric view, and looks amazing from the game-grid view. And it's insanely cinematic. This is the stuff of nightmares and oft-retold RPG stories.

Apiary of the Aurulent Brothers

I have no idea what's going on here. There's like two different buildings and a side view and an explanation that doesn't really help at all. There's a lot going on here and not a whole lot of cinematic value to this. There's a mad herbalist! Living in a box, apparently? A box he has to waddle to on stepping stones over a pond? A pond.. on the terrace? And there's bees! Bees! I'm just not really seeing a point to this. I'm more interested in the main temple structure, but there's a lot of focus on this terrace thing that I just don't get. There's nothing here that I can really see interesting me as a GM or being super memorable as a player.

Temple of Exquisite Anguish

I was a little sad this wasn't for Zon-Kuthon. Exquisite Anguish? That's so ZK's thing. Hurt me more, Snake. Derros are much less cool.

This one's got some cool stuff going on with two crazy obscure gods. The whole 'force prisoners down some path of awful' seems a little... meh, I guess? And then the whole thing just boils down to sacrifices to some evil god on some evil altar by little evil dudes. We've seen that a million times before, and this one doesn't seem any more interesting than the others. Maybe if you were caught and forced to undergo the crazy ritual trial things... but even then, it's a hallway. Meh.

Hakima Ajit's Balcony

Whoa, that's a crazy awesome floor pattern. Whoa, that does absolutely nothing. Whoa, there's nothing... else... happening? What? It's a big empty room. With a crazy awesome floor pattern. That does nothing. No traps, no chessboard-floor-death-machine, nothing. The big reveal is 'haha, you've fallen thirty feet!' You've got to be kidding me. This could be the location for a super cinematic encounter, if only something happened! It's a beautiful location with absolutely fuckall to do! (Coincidentally, this is how I described Skyrim to people. A really big and beautiful puddle that as soon as you touch it to see how deep it goes, you realize it's just a puddle.)

Waiting in the Depths

The first thing that catches my eye here is how dark it is. This could use a little brightening up for blind people like myself. The second thing that catches my eye is how nice it all looks. It's set up well. I could definitely see an encounter here.

But it's not the kind of encounter I'm going to remember. It's a ditch with some tents and some trees and a hole in the ground. I'm not sure what kind of awesomeness you'd have to pull out to make that memorable... but it would have to be insanely epic to make this map memorable. It's a damn fine map. Solid, well done, well executed for what it is. But it's not what I want in a Superstar map. (And I still don't care what the rules for this round say, I'm judging these by my standards.)

Abandoned Shory Botany Laboratory

Another isometric view? Goddamn, people. Stop making work in the business so hard for people who can't draw!

This one's also got a case of the symmetricals. I'm not sure how much I like it here. Yeah, okay, one side's overgrown. Meh. The real centerpiece of this one is the crumbling front end. The dangers of those gears grinding up a PC are just too good to pass up. The actual greenhouse part? Meh. Uninterested. The fact that the whole thing flies is a moot point. It could be the lair of clockwork botanists and be just as awesome for the use of death gears. That's the sort of thing I want to see when clockwork stuff gets involved. Big ass gears and old clunky steampunk-ish tech makes for cinematic encounters and memorable events. I guess there's a bunch of exposed gears and even more chance of being thrown into the meatgrinder, but I'd be hard pressed to find a PC dumb enough to stick his face in that. Overall, there's a lot going on here that I just really like.

Reaping Stars Refinery

Fifty word description text doesn't use the Oxford comma? DQ'd for barbarism, next contestant.

Are those 1-foot wide bridges over molten metal? Who the hell is walking there? That's a recipe for horrible. Other than that, I'm not really seeing anything interesting here. It's a building that serves some purpose for some NPCs that no one gives a shit about. A fight in a big industrial room with motel metal could be really cool, but this one looks boring as all hell. There's just random pools of death, and then nothing. No machinery, no death hooks to swing across on, no chutes or ladders or get out of jail free cards, nothing. And then there's the rest of the map, which is like 'Yeah, it's a building! With stuff.' Stuff no one cares about at all. 'Yeah we put horses over here.' Okay.

Flintyreach Cliff Harbor Ascent

I really feel like I should have saved my chutes and ladders joke for this map. Just pretend that I did. Switchbacks are cool, and while I've seen them a bunch, I've not often seen them done particularly well. This one's awesome because it's not just a simple back-n-forth boring mountain climb. There's a lot of cool stuff going on as you slugfest up the switchbacks between cover and dodging arrows and avoiding rockslides and falling to your death. This is the kind of gauntlet I want to run.

The big problem is, I'm not sure it really requires a map to be effective. I could describe a series of switchbacks without a map and say people are getting sniped at and they have X turns at their move speed to get to the top, and it'd be basically the same thing. If I was going to use a switchback map, I frickin' love this one. Except, I'm not sure I like how it ends in a ladder. I'd rather see a stone staircase built in, or just let the damn slope finish it out to the top. A ladder there feels... silly.

The Howdah of Mogaru’s Consort

Please stop isometr- okay, you know what? This one's too good to even complain about. What the hell, man?

I don't even know if there's anything I can say here. It's a castle, riding on a kaiju, and it's full of bad dudes and stuff, and it's riding on a kaiju. This is about as insanely cinematic as it comes. Just getting to the map is the stuff of legend. Then going through the map? While shit's going on? Hell, imagine being trapped in this thing while the kaiju is trucking it out against Gypsy Danger? I am so very, very sold on this map. And even without the kaiju, the castle is still well done. It doesn't suffer the symmetrys, it's got some nice varied terrain and architecture and did I mention I love this map?

Den of the Ice Devil

Size issues aside, this one seems sort of bland. It's the lair of an ice devil! Brrr! There's ice stuff! And it's evil! I don't know, there's a lot of stuff crammed into what is really just one big room with, apparently, an ice devil. None of it really adds up to anything I care about. Yeah, there's some interesting hazards and things to go around and a room(fort?) you're fighting to at the far end... but why? It just doesn't inspire a particularly cool encounter. Nothing here feels really memorable. There could be something happening here, with another gauntlet-style truckfight with the ice devil as he retreats to what should probably be more than just 'fort.'

Ustradi Sunken Ruins (Mana Wastes)

I'm not sure why this is set in the Mana Wastes. This could be 'ruined swamp temple' just about anywhere. I'm not going to hold that against the map, which I think does 'ruined swamp temple' pretty well. The waters are gross and the mist (which is where?) is grosser, and there's a big skull on a pedestal. Except... I'm not sure why I care about the skull. You slog your way up the road to the skull, and then walk up to the top and then... what? Is there some super cool encounter supposed to happen here? I could see some cool mana-waste-crocodiles ruining everyone's day, but that's not really specific to this map. There's nothing here that says something interesting or memorable will happen here. Nothing that's here looks particularly memorable without an encounter to go along with it.

The Ashen Forge Incursion

This one feels a lot like the super Abaddon map, except done way better. It's got coherence. It's got story. It's got just as much interesting layout and features and stuff, but it feels like a place that was once populated by some Broadins of Torag, who trapped the wrong dudes. Wrong dudes who prayed to Drobro the Jerk, who then opened a portal of awful to screw with the Broadins of Torag and ruin everyone's day. And all of that is clear without a single word dedicated to the encounter set up. This is damn good work. This whole adventure would be memorable, and that's not even touching the super crazy cinematic fight bound to happen in the main anvil chamber.

Aberrant Excavation

This one feels like two disparate things glued together. There's a dig site with some stuff happening, and then there's a fallen lighthouse that just happens to be right next door with some stuff happening, and it's all on a cliffside that just happens to be there. The discovery of an aboleth skull isn't super intriguing--that's why NPC archaeologists exist. The lighthouse isn't particularly interesting. There's signs of something interesting happening with the holes and the tablet, but it doesn't really come together as anything interesting for me. And--more importantly--not something important enough to need a map. I can describe this aloud and do everything this map does without any paper on the table.

Ice Dam

That Ice King dam, though. In addition to looking really cool, there's potential for a lot of cinematic stuff going on here. Fighting below the dam while the BBEG is opening up the floodgates to wash you away. Fighting on the dam while something bad is happening below. Rushing to close the floodgates because it's killing your allies downriver. Whatever! And fighting on a reasonably large dam with some really cool water hazard things happening and also it's all made of ice because yeah is a pretty memorable thing. There seems to be a weird focus on breaking the dam, which I guess is cool, too. If I was standing in front of it, I sure wouldn't want to break the damned thing.

Meandering Oasis of Nex

It's that tiny little planet thing from Dragon Ball Z! Aw, yeah. And there's some really neat features here, with the whole manor and the lake and the extra moons flying around the tiny planet. This has a lot of potential to be really cool. It also has a lot of potential to be really frickin' annoying, because you're playing 2-D map mode on a sphere. Charging from the topside to the bottomside and all kinds of weirdness when you add fly into the mix and the rotational speeds of the main island and its moons and its speed through the air as it's flying and if you're using fly do you stay 'above' the island or do you stay relative to the primary planet's plane of gravity and wow, this is complicated. There's definitely some potential for some crazy cinematic encounter here, but nothing that's hinted at by the description or the map. And if it weren't for the fact it was a tiny little planet with tinier little moons, it wouldn't be very interesting at all. And... I'm not sure that's exactly a good place to be.

[The DQ'd maps follow]

The Hallowed Falls

I don't really get how this one is put together. There's a whole lot of rapids and stuff above the falls that doesn't do anything? And then there's a cave, but it's like... under the water? Or behind the water? And the cave isn't... interesting. This has a lot of potential, as waterfall caves are cool. But as far as I can tell, there's nothing happening here. There's some hazards you'll probably never run into, and there's some (okay, a lot) of space you don't really care about.

Swamp-Submerged Temple

"I'd just like to point out I'm following the rules."

"Not anymore! Bam!"

I don't want to rant on this again, but I really kind of do. One day this ranting will come back to bite me, but I don't even care. I'm from Jersey and this is how we do things. So: Paizo's coming off real jerky this time around. I know it's supposed to be hard and professional and all that shit. But wow, guys. Wow. Give like, a warning, or something. There's a huge difference between saying 'I did xyz because of abc' and saying 'I'm pretty sure I'm following the rules, please don't think poorly of me because I think I'm following these really fucking vague and arbitrary rules.' If you don't want people to talk about their shit, then just say that. Mute their goddamn accounts or something. Or better yet, keep them anonymous. No more popularity contest crap, and then you can't even talk about how you're in the Top X because you're under a quasi-NDA and isn't that really what the 'don't talk' rule is all about? Argh! So frustrating and I'm not even playing this game.

And really, I like this map. I like how it's set up with a structure sinking into the swamps and the lower level reflects that it's now like 15 feet under the swamp or something. It's a really solid location. There's definitely some cinematic value to be had in that main chamber. I like the interplay of the upper and lower levels being so wide open. The entrance walkway is... bland.

The Slime Vaults

This is another big ass room with a whole lot of nothing. I guess there's like three rooms here, and there's some slime with stuff in it. I don't know what stuff, and I'm not intrigued enough to care. The rooms themselves are bland other than the slime. There's no indication of why I'd want to see what's inside the slime vault. There's no reason I'd want to touch the slime vault with a ten-foot pole. There's no sign that there's going to be anything happening here that is particularly memorable or exciting. As far as I know, this is just another moderately gross chamber that is forgotten 10 minutes after the game. Also, there's nothing here that really needs a map to be done. No really clever layout, no super exciting tactical decisions to be made. It's a lot of the good old trope of 'don't stand in the fire,' but the fire is slime.



And on that note, them's the maps and them's my thoughts. I apologize to any of the cartographers who may have been offended by my insensitive ramblings. But hey, look on the bright side: you're all better cartographers than me.

That's why I pay someone to draw up maps on my ship.

And by 'pay' I mean ask one of my buddies really nicely until they draw stuff for me. And by 'one of my buddies,' I mean Cy.

The Captain's Cartography Critique (Part 1)

Look at that alliteration. It gives me chills, and it's not even particularly good alliteration.

So voting for the RPGSS S9 maps has officially closed, which means I can talk about the maps in good faith without influencing the two people who are probably reading this. I feel like I should add the foreword that not only am I critiquing these in a manner that completely ignores the rules for the round (Make it suitable for a flipmat, but cool enough to be superstar! I didn't know the oxymoron police were judging this), but I am awful at maps. I have already mentioned this at length. More often than not, I prefer my games to play out in the theater of my mind. Maps are great and all... but when you lack the tools to reproduce them on the table, the drawing skills to replicate them on a battlemap effectively, and the minis to really fill them out properly... they kind of take a back seat to the cinematic value of a location.

That's really how I'm going to be judging these. Does the location strike me as a place that would make for interesting gameplay? I want places that both me as a GM and the players are going to remember. I want stories to be told.

"Holy shit, remember that time we invaded the X to save the Y from Z and then some A busted in the window with his B?"

"Yeah, dude. I do. That shit was nuts."

It should also be noted before I begin that due to some DQs in the contest, I'm going to have to sort through and find those guys after I get through the two columns of maps. (On a related note, those DQs were bullshit. A lot of this round is bullshit. I'll rant on this another time, though.)

The Grimple Playhouse

This one is something that could have been simple and boring, but is executed really well. Run down playhouses are cool, though I'm not sure I'd have gone with 'it's really gross now!' as a main hook for it. That being said, the pit trap at the door with the slope to the icky pit of gross that lines up with the centerpiece hole in front of the stage? That's about as cinematic as it comes, there. The only problem I have with this map is it's supposed to be all grimpley, but I'm not feeling it at all. Urban squalor leads to gremlins messing with stuff and being all gross, sure, but... meh. When I saw the tunnels and the vermin connection, I was immediately thinking mites. I mean we've got a roach coach and some rat warrens and some spider-filled pillows... there's almost too much going on here for me to give a crap about the grimples. I'd rather take the basics of this, fill it with some crazy frickin' mites, and have them led by a mite bard 'genius' who is claiming the playhouse to write his people's masterpiece.

I am also a pirate bard at heart, so I may be biased.

Ruined Mountaintop Temple of Hei Feng

"This map was sent to us tiny!"

"Can I like, upload it again? I wish there was a preview button for the submit map tool. I can preview my text, but not the thing I'm actually being judged on. I mean, come on?"

"No. That's breaking DA RULZ."

"Um, alright. Guess I lose, then."

Look, I get it. People in the contest need to be competent enough to follow rules. But if you are a wannabe freelancer man (read: me) and are told to make a map and upload it and share it with the whole goddamn internet in three days or less... give a man a fucking break. Many of the people trying their hand at this RPGSS thing are trying their hand at this because they want to get into doing RPG stuff. They don't have any idea what DPI or dimensions or any of that shit means. (Read: me again.)

"Yeah, but if you sent this to your cartographer..."

He'd probably send you an email back and be like 'bro, you done messed up, fix it?' And you'd send him the real version with a 'haha oops my bad, bro.' Total time elapsed, 2 minutes, tops.

And the worst part of this is, I can't see shit. I can't even judge this thing. And that sucks, because it looks bitchin'. I can see there's something going on with elevations and a bridge, or something. I can see something awesome happening in that courtyard for sure. There's some stairs that go... somewhere? I can't tell if it's supposed to be on this map or not.

Man, I wish I was an ant right now, because I'd totally love to see this map.

[Edit: The round ended and the ant-map has successfully passed the muster of the miniature RPG player. The full-sized map is about as incredible as I expected it to be, with all of the awesome cinematic value I'd hoped for!]

The Clockworks

Meh. It's a lumberyard, but instead of making lumber they're using it to build a clock tower right smack here in the middle of a lumberyard. Nothing about the layout looks particularly exciting. Nothing about a clock tower in a lumberyard makes me want to adventure there. Nothing about this clock tower is particularly cinematic in nature. The damn thing's not big enough to have one of those crazy 'fighting all on top of these clockwork mechanisms' fights, and it's not even done.

That said, it's a solid map. It's a location that works. Everything that should be there is there. But why are they building a clock tower in the middle of their yard?

Boggart-infested saltmarsh and boathouse

I'm not really seeing a flooded marina here. I'm seeing a swampland with a wooden walkway leading out to some island that was obviously there before the place flooded, but is still there even with the flooding. Also the walkway is still here and above water. Instead, the structures that are clearly not flooded are damaged. And there's marshy terrain. You're in a swamp. Also there's some things across the water on some other island you probably don't care about. If this place is flooded, let's see it. String your docks across the islands and have 75% of the walkway just be gone. Have the remaining pieces standing on their moorings (or whatever those things are called?) just in the middle of nothing. Give us an incentive to cross the water, not just some bland 'there's boggards in dem waters.' Really, this doesn't even feel like a marina at all. It's just some guy's cabin and his wharf. And his house fell down, or something.

Brokeferry Bridge

This... sort of reminds me of my map, but way better. River centerpiece, busted bridge, old and abandoned stone structures overlooking said river. There's a lot going on here. The one thing that gets me is why the hell did the Gozrehites build a crooked bridge. "Welp, Frank, the water's gone. We're outta a job." "Damn. I guess we should build a bridge, then." "Why?" "Why not." "Because we're not going to get paid for building a bridge." "Nah see, let's just build it all crooked and stuff. Just to fuck with all those losers crossing on foot. Real men use boats. We used boats." "That's true, Frank. That's very true."

I'd almost say this map suffers from too much going on in one spot. I think it's the boggard village that puts it over the top. I'd rather have someone who has taken up residence in the old temple and claimed the crossing bridge-troll style. Boggards can be there too, but let's move their village just a bit further away. It's crowding my style.

Dwarven Brewery

I wonder if dwarves resent the stereotype. They sort of come off as badasses, but alcoholism is no joke, people. I wonder if dwarves have AA. They should.

I do like how we get real dwarven in here. Using magma and underground rivers and shit. So Dwarf Fortress up in here. Aside from these marvelous dwarven additions to the brewing process, this place does absolutely nothing for me. It's a brewery with a huge open room and some natural hazards on either side and a not-particularly-interesting hook. You know what I'd have liked to see? An elven brewery. Climbing up the side of a tree, using sap added directly to the casks for the natural flavor. Make it a series of vertical chambers and rooms with lots of elevators and pulley systems. Add in monsters clever enough to make good use of the vertical space. Bam, fight to remember.

Cabin in the Woods

Cabin in the Woods or House on the Beach? You be the judge. I can't be the only one seeing the green as palm trees and the yellow as sand and the dark blue spots as waves and the pantry is a deck for chilling and drinking mai tais and... yeah. Also, I really like what was done with the words allowed here. The seeds are sown for all kinds of adventures you can put here, without actually saying what's here. All the toys are in the box, but which one do you want to use? It's like having 600 games on Steam and never knowing what to play.

Unfortunately, the map itself isn't really inspiring. It's a structure and it's functional with doors and rooms and a place to poop. The most intriguing part is is the cellar. Who goes in those cells? What are they used for? Who's been locking people in the beach house against their will? Why? The rest is just... a beach house that isn't actually at the beach. It's not memorable enough to care.

Standoff at River Logjam

This is another map that suffers from 'not memorable enough to care.' It's a fine idea. Fighting atop logs in a rushing river while everything is moving all over the place and it's wet and oh crap don't fall in... it's cool. But the map tells me absolutely fuckall about anything. I could have gotten the map from the title of the map. There's a logjam. You're fightin' on it. Done. And that's a real shame, because that has a lot of potential to be a cool encounter people remember. It just doesn't need a map at all.

(Are we fighting on it? There's a setup with lumberjacks and fey. Where do the PCs come into this?)

Abaddon Breach Temple

Cool, a whirlpool. Whirlpools feel overdone, but that doesn't really detract from anything. Though if I was a devilfish and I was constantly spinning in circles, I'd want to cut that shit right out. This also seems like a strangely dead end for something that just happens to be in the sewers. And mostly devoid of water in the wings, despite being in a sewer. I'd almost argue this is another one that suffers from too much going on in too small an area. I'd rather it just take a single aspect of Abbadon and run with it. The four clerics guarding the portal are also super, super different. Like, not a single one of them just happens to be a random human? They've all got to be some snowflake monster-cleric? It all strikes me as playing upon coolness factor, while detracting from the core theme.

This is still a really, really cool map. (And I think that was the point.) I'm just struggling to make sense of it, even if there's a lot of potential for some really memorable encounters here.

Desecrated Sanctuary

This is another really solid map. It does what it sets out to do really well. It's put together nicely, it's not just super symmetrical cathedral, it's got some obvious places to do some obvious encounters with... but none of that adds up to particularly memorable. So there's some vampires in a crypt below some chapel, and they're making a big mess! Alright, but players have fought in temples a thousand times before. There's nothing particularly exciting about the temple that makes me want to remember this fight forever, and that's the only real problem I've got with this map. (Other than my previously stated gripes over this content's hard headed adherence to rules that shouldn't matter as much as they do. Give people the chance they deserve, rather than fucking them before they get that chance.)

Torvin Academy Quadrangle

I get the idea of this and the minecraft style doesn't even bug me. It's the layout that makes no sense. So you've prisoners that get dragged in on some lumpy carpet because why not. Unless you're a mage, because then you get dragged in from the other side and drowned first for good measure. Or unless you're a book, because then you've somehow ended up behind everything with the councilman's entrance. But the councilmen have to cross the whole courtyard to get up in their balcony, because putting a door behind the balcony would have been too hard. And it all adds up to a whole lot of why. Why am I here? Why do I care? What do these random 'NPCs do things here!' spots have to do with anything I'm doing? Is there an encounter here I'm not seeing? Am I supposed to fight over the final blade? Why? Who in their right mind would do that?

Cyclogenesis - Eye of Abendego

As someone who wanted to get a lot of 'there's a big ass storm here wrecking everything' in his own map and failed, I think this does a much better job at accomplishing that. I'm just not sure it works on a small scale. The hurricane spiral ends up looking like it's 20 feet across, and that's kind of silly. I like the clouds linked together by chains. Cloud islands chained together are not only super cinematic, they're badass. There's a lot of cool stuff that could be happening on these clouds. But the structures are... lackluster. The empty space is... empty. There's a toilet. (Two, even!) I'd rather have seen a series of interlocked clouds with different hazards on them. One row of clouds is trapped in the gale, constantly pushing you [some cardinal direction] at [some windspeed]. Another is a raging thundercloud, spitting thunderbolts at any who pass on or near. Another is the broken soul of a raincloud, and it rains up. Because magic. 

Abandoned Noble Cemetery, Isarn, Galt

This one's nicely done. It's got circles, because circles look good, but things aren't centered perfectly so it has a good organic feel. It's got the ruined aspect down perfectly, while having buildings standing well enough to be explored and used and whatevered. It's got a good thematic thing going (and I don't even like Galt). And while that's all nice, it still doesn't feel particularly memorable.

Maybe it's my hate for Galt, or maybe it's the over-saturation of zombie stuff making graveyards old hat, or maybe it's just the lack of any one particular wow factor on the map. Whatever it is, there's nothing that really says to me I'm going to remember this map and whatever happened on it for a long time. I might, just because it looks really cool and I could definitely do cool things here, but it doesn't look that way.

Runic Hurricane Laboratory

At least everyone's remembering the toilet this time around. Seriously, don't most medieval era fellows just have chamber pots? If you're not using your unseen servant to dump your chamber pot, you're missing out.

Seriously, though, I think this is a solid map. It's not 'stuff as many cool things into one space as possible.' It takes a theme and runs with it. Who's in the summoning circle? What's making the wind go? What happens when you try to enter the place? It feels a little cramped for what I'd probably want to be some badass demon encounter with a mad cleric, but it does what it does well. 

Black Dragon's Retreat

Black dragons never retreat. Except when they get old and lazier than they probably were already, because then they dig a hole and lay in it all day. Also even though they're totally minding their own business, everyone wants to kick 'em out of this hole. It's such a damn nice hole, go away.

It's a map with a dragon and a ton of natural hazards. Difficult terrain and methane explosion traps and different elevations and smoke and, the hell with it, let's just throw acid in the dragon's bath. This feels like another case of 'I need to make this cool, so let's put everything cool.' Granted, methane traps are not a common hazard. That's cool. Mud is also rarely used effectively, so that's good, too. But is this the dragon encounter I really want? The dragon's going to be flying. If I'm fighting an elderly black dragon, I'm probably flying too. Actually, if I know the elder black dragon is here, why aren't I in his lair just waiting? I could take his whole hoard and set up a brick wall of explosive runes in its place in the time this bastard's taking a bath.

Dragon encounters are supposed to feel memorable and cinematic. I think this one might be too cramped to actually do it justice. Triple the size of the map, give it some ten-foot squares and various chambers dedicated to their hazards with clear ways for the dragon to take advantage of the traps he's left in his bathroom. Which begs the question: where's the dragon's toilet?

Hot Springs Trail

My first thought was 'wow, that's a small wagon.' My second was 'wow, that's a really tiny hazard to even bother calling out at all.' You've spent half your fifty words explaining a 10x10 area no one is even going to walk into because there's plenty of room to walk around it. Nothing else is even really happening here, as far as I can tell. This all boils down to a terrible shame, because I think a fight with geysers blowing up all around you could be really frickin' cool. But put something there I care about. Give me a reason to walk around in the geysers. Give me a reason to care! I want to have them explode on my character while he's picking up something fancy and shiny and actually the geysers aren't powered by a hot spring, but by a steam elemental and he's pissed.

"Oh no, there's a log!" "We pick up the log and move it." "Oh no, there's glass!" "I'm not a smelly halfling, I wear shoes." "Alright, you're past the geyser field and are only 12 miles out of the nearest town..." "Brb, Cheetos."



Whew. Going through this many maps is a serious slugfest. The rest to follow soon, possibly with the DQ'd maps.

The Captain's Critique (Part 2)

As the rest of the RPGSS world talks maps, I finish talking Top 32 (+4). It comes as no secret I live my life on island time; getting things done when they should be done simply doesn't come as a priority. So grab a bottle of rum and head back in time a week (or so) with my favorite captain.

Lava Lash

This one has great cinematic value. Flame whips are cool. Lava whips are cooler. Hotter? Whatever. The only problems I have with this come from strangeness with the mechanics. It's a whip, but it's not called out as having an enhancement bonus or anything. So... does it actually function like a whip, or is it just a reach-flame-blade? It says it grapples, so I guess it's a real whip, but then it says it has charges. If it's out of charges, it stops glowing. Does that mean you can't whip with it anymore? It seems unlikely that my 15-foot long whip of lava would shed no light at all. And more importantly, this is the sort of thing that would set my ship on fire.

Gown of Many Graves

The fact that this is only usable during half of the day is a big turn off for me. That said, it takes a tried and true concept in tree stride and says 'how can I make this cool?' Seriously, has anyone ever thought tree stride was cool? (You did? Stop reading this blog, you're fired.) This is way more evocative and cinematic than tree stride ever was. The problem, though, is that it feels like a villain item. If your vampire BBEG isn't wearing this, you're surely missing out. "Oops, sun's rising. I'm out bitches, see you 900 miles away at my place."

Swindler’s Grasp

As a swindler of sorts myself, I can appreciate these gloves. They're relatively simple mechanically, but they work. I think maybe the biggest problem with these gloves is they make having improved disarm or steal sort of irrelevant. Not only does it no longer matter if you're attempting to disarm a dude's sword with your bare hands, but you also don't have to be trained at all to do so. I mean, sure, I guess that's the whole point of magic... but as someone who loves making CMB-based characters, I'd feel a little cheated if the wizard ran up and stole a dude's sword. The secondary effect, though... now that's what makes this item shine. Its an effect that isn't found elsewhere, isn't derivative in any way, and fits into the territory of 'why wasn't this a thing already?'

Daylight Diadem

So you need to spend 24 hours in natural sunlight to recharge the diadem. Good luck racing the sun to keep that up. I guess you could go into orbit and stay on the sunlight side of the planet. Nitpickery aside, the basic use of the diadem seems a little weak. A move action to prepare for a standard action channel that's only benefit is it goes further? A lot of the time this would just make it harder to avoid healing baddies. The supernova effect is cool, but doesn't really super-wow me. I dig sun-based powers and like the idea of bringing natural sunlight to bear against dead things plus the added holy-flame damage! The cool part of this item only works for 4 round a day regardless of the charges used, and then you need to sit outside forever to charge it back up. If you're in the middle of a serious dungeon dive or something... you might not have that option, and then you just have a really pretty brick. Then factor in that all metal surfaces within the light gain this damage--including your enemies--but it only works against evil guys, so it's okay. Must suck to be the NE rogue your party keeps around for his witty humor and masterful knife skills. I know I've got at least three of those guys on my crew. Used to be four, but we don't talk about Jimbo anymore.

Caber Twig

Caber toss: the item? I'm already sold. This is a brilliant little item for so many reasons. It's cheap and expendable. Cheap and expendable items are perfect for inspiring player creativity. They find them in random drops, or grab them from a mad alchemist's shop on their second trip to town, or something that gets them cool stuff real quick. And then crazy shit happens. Crazy shit is why we play tabletop games instead of computer games. Think of what you can do with 4 5-foot long, 300 pound logs. The item is very obviously built with the intention of throwing them at people, but can you imagine the damage this would cause if I chucked it at my neighbor's ship? Hell, what if I used all four charges at once? In reality, I think this actually suffers from too much mechanical skill. It's really rules heavy for a small item that is probably too cheap for how awesome it is. On a certain level, I'd prefer if this was like the tree feather token: "You grow a 40-foot tall oak tree instantly. Let the player innovation commence."

Thornweave

A throwing shield that actually gives a compelling reason to throw it? Excellent. As you may or may not have realized, I dig throwing weapons. They're underutilized and underpowered compared to how overwhelmingly bows dominate the ranged weapon department. Throwing your shield is especially annoying, since you are, you know, throwing away your shield. Here, though, there's a damn good reason to throw that shield--it's the perfect set up to a beatdown. It lasts just long enough for it to be a good fight, so that you don't have to drag your ass over there and pick it up (or worse, have it thrown back!) I'm not so sure about the interaction with plant growth. On one hand, cool; on the other, what happens when you're the target of diminish plants? Does the shield stop working? Can diminish plants dispel the entangle effect? Why even bother mentioning spell storing, why not just say 'it does stuff when affected by spells that do stuff to plants.' Also, only dryads make these, for some reason?

Shark Toothed Maw

The cloak of infinite throwing daggers. Conceptually, I want to love this thing. It's got sharks and sharks are cool and throwing knives because throwing knives are cool and hey we've just glued them together and yeah. Visually, it doesn't even work for me: it's got interlocked silver and ivory with diamonds on it, but it looks good on a harlequin, but they're totally shark teeth. And what does any of this have to do with a maw? Throw all the daggers you want, they're +1 and they're infinite. You don't even have to worry about them being thrown back! The secondary power is getting somewhere, since I'm not sure there's a blade-cloak equivalent in Pathfinder yet--but I can't imagine why I'd use this over just throwing daggers. Sure, it's a 15-foot burst... but then you can't chuck infinite daggers for an hour. And it's a fairly simple save to completely negate the effect. Do you know what else can hit someone with 1d6 +1 daggers? Someone full attacking with a cloak of infinite daggers.

Boots of Ethereal Wake

Another beautifully cinematic item. Leaping through reality as you charge a creature, only to charge through him and suck him into another dimension? It's great. If there's any problems here, I think its in the interaction with a creature once they're sucked through the wake. Creatures pulled into the ethereal apparently can't move or do anything, which seems a little unfair to creatures that might even be okay with being ethereal for a bit. Any wizard that's every used blink would probably not be too fussed about the whole affair, though I could see the everyday barbarian flipping out. And then there's when an ethereal creature's pulled to the material world. Do they reappear back on the ethereal where they were subjected to the charge? They might, it seems? Still, I love these boots and my assessment strives only for perfection.

Blade of The Ice Stalker

Ice blades, represent! There's some formatting errors here that catch my editor's eye immediately, but the item itself seems solid. (Dohoho, it's an ice joke!) I like the visual of an icy blade chunking off into a foe's flesh, but I'm not a huge fan of the whole blade-regrowing thing. Why can't it just chunk off and be perfectly fine. Why even mention regrowing a round later, when that's going to cause massive rules issues with how it grows and when and what about extra attacks and blahblahblah. The thermal vision seems tacked on for coolness factor (it is admittedly cool) and while it fits the whole ice-stalker thing, the first effect really doesn't. The first effect sort of boils down to 'crit fishing for +10 damage over 5 rounds and stagger the enemy' If we're crit fishing for staggers... why don't we just use Staggering Critical?

Phantom Corsair Boots

Ghost pirate boots! Aw yis. Except... there's really nothing interesting going on here. "This boots smell like pirate." Okay. "You get a flat bonus to stuff." Okay. "Also you have blurred movement all the time now." Okay. "Except when you don't, because then you have a CL1 vanish." Okay. And I mean, that's fine. It's a solid item. It works. It does what it does well. It's not shit. It's just not exciting, and doesn't really give me a ghost pirate vibe at all. As a wannabe pirate who would not mind being a ghost pirate (or better yet, a space ghost pirate!), this just feels like a missed opportunity to do something cool.

Cloak of the High Plains Wind

So the damage multiplier doesn't stack with some things, but does it stack with a lance? There's a whole mounted charge theme going on here, but then there's also wind theme going on. I think I get the idea of highland mounted warriors, but the two elements don't feel well connected in this item. I also have absolutely no idea what that bit about resolving the gust of wind is saying. So there's a wind that pushes you... but it's resolved as you move out of a square, but after you hit the charge target, and it's a radius instead of a line, and doesn't even go very far, and what the fuck. I do like how it lays down the law against Pounce, though. Pounce doesn't need to be any stronger.

Scattertracks

Oh baby, I'll show you a handsome walking sti- okay, I'll stop. Please excuse my juvenile humor. This will not be the last time. Again, the editor's eye spots obvious problems in the template. Minor errors slide by easily... but if you catch attention for mistakes before anyone even reads a word, there's a problem. Mechanically, it's a simple but elegant idea. It does what it says on the box--it scatters your tracks. And damn well, too. I think for something so cheap there should probably be a means to negate its effects--a proper Survival check to discern fake tracks from real ones, especially since unseen servants can't possibly make the same imprint with 20 lbs a non-halfling would make as they were trucking around. What about breaking twigs and other signs of a trail? It says convincing. I say how convincing? Ironically, if you have a means of actually hiding your tracks already you need to not use it to hide your tracks, since it would be painfully obvious which way you went. That said, it's a great idea to have for everyone else (which is most everyone at the price point of this item) and works in such a cool manner.

Wolflord’s Fang

This one hits its theme perfectly. For the lone wolf, this is an okay +2 huntsman bastard sword. For a team, though, this really shines. Tying the wolf's trip attack to a weapon in a way that requires the wolf-man to have a pack of his own is brilliant. Howling like a wolf is a little off-putting and isn't really something I'd want my characters doing, exactly, but again it hits perfectly on theme with a pack howl to improve the effects. I'm not a huge fan of offering free 5-footers on the howl, either, but I can see exactly why it's here and why it works. And it works damned well, even if free 5-footers all around is crazy strong.

Banshee’s Wrath

Another charging item, though this one doesn't immediately scream awesome to me. (It's a banshee joke! I'm on a roll!) Becoming semi-corporeal for the charge is fine and dandy, but its the Intimidate power that I'm not really loving. So it affects all targets on the line of your charge... where? Between you and the charge target? So if you manage to line up two or three dudes in a 60 foot line, you can get a free Intimidate against them. And while you can pass through people just fine, you still get choked up by difficult terrain, for some reason. It's hard enough to get two dudes in a line when the enemies are even semi-competent and aware of the stuff you might throw at them. If all it takes is a handful of caltrops to stop this item from working, then is it really working? And even then, who cares? So they're demoralized for a bit. When I think banshee, I'm not thinking demoralized. I'm thinking pants-wetting terror.



Shattered Blade

Another breaking blade. And a swarm item? I'm sensing a common trend in the voting. What I like about this one, though, is that it isn't just 'dude you totally get to control a swarm of stuff!' It's a cloud of gnashing metal death. It looks a lot cooler, and fits exactly what a swarm-weapon should do. It also doesn't make the weapon useless while it's active. You can still stab a dude with your jagged half-broken sword. It differentiates itself from normal swarms, and that's a huge deal in a world filled with bee-vomit-necklaces. This isn't without problems, though. There's no... duration? It just lasts until you decide to stop, apparently. So if you hurt, I don't know, a dragon with this thing and proc the sharpnel-swarm and then just run... what happens? Does the swarm peck the dragon to death? Also, how far can you run? Does it just work forever? I'd almost rather the swarm be centered on the weapon itself. Then, when it's a dagger, you could chuck it at someone to direct the swarm. Probably a terrible idea, since they could pick it up and throw it back, but it would be pretty cool regardless.

Defender’s Door

This is simplicity done right. It's a door. You prop it up to use it as a door. Doors are pretty big and durable. Big and durable things work as shields. My question here, though, is how literal the door is. Does it work like Portal or does it work like a regular open door? Can it go both ways? Does non-creature matter move through the door? Can I plant this on the deck of a ship, open a door to the bottom of the ship, and start sinking the bastard? I like the idea of the shield's owner being stuck with the door, though. He's the defender and he's got the door. He can hold it open all chivalrous for you, but he's stuck outside. It's a nice little balancing mechanism on the strength of teleportation.

Scallywag’s Tooth

Bleh. Why would you put your mouth on that? So it's a magical item you wear in your mouth and doesn't look magical. Who would find it? Whose character is digging into dead guys' mouths and pulling out their gold teeth? Who then puts that same tooth in their mouth? I consider myself a bit of a scallywag. I would not touch this, and that's not even talking about how bland the item is. It fits in the category of 'cheap ass items,' but unlike the bottled cloud or caber twig, it's boring. "You get a bonus to charisma stuff." Okay. "Also if you screw up you can totally get a do-over." Okay. Again, it works fine. It does what it does well. It just doesn't sound fun or interesting or even particularly evocative, since a Cha 18 bard with perfectly mundane gold teeth basically does this already. I will give this man props for them em dashes, though. Bitches love em dashes. I'm just not sure em dashes belong in item descriptions? I could be wrong and am too lazy to look for examples.

Leviathan’s Terror

A solid CMB item, making them less of a pain in the ass to use past the 5th-6th level mark. Anyone who's tried to make a CMB-focused character has learned the pain of dealing with enemies bigger than you. Yeah, it makes sense they get size bonuses and its hard to trip a giant or whatever. But it sucks. I think the problem I have with this one, though, is that it doesn't really feel like a weapon. On activation, it gives a bunch of passive bonuses. It gives a bunch of passive bonuses even before that. Some of the things it effects--or all of them, even--you wouldn't even use the harpoon to do. Hell, even the activated howl has nothing to do with the weapon. It's a great idea on a great theme with even a great weapon type choice to go with said theme. But nothing about it says 'stab a (huge) dude with this spear.'



And with that giant wall of text, so ends the captain's assessment of the Top 32 (+4) for this season's RPGSS. With the rest of the world talking maps and myself still hiding my head in shame from my own mediocre map, I'll get to talking maps eventually.

Eventually, as translated from island time, is roughly sometime this century.

Check back soon! -ish!

The Captain's Critique (Part 1)

And so, the captain weighs in on RPGSS Season 9's Top 32 (+4). Exciting.

I'll try to be as brief as possible, since this is going to be a giant wall of text no matter how I slice it. I'll also be cutting this into two, using the columns on the Superstar page. A cautionary note to any of the designers who may be reading this: not only am I an asshole by trade, I am also a nobody-of-import. My critique is pretty much intended to be taken with a helping of salt. And a margarita or three.

Horseshoes of the Storm Rider

Starting strong, I thought these were neat. There's a few problems with mechanics--I have no idea how long it lasts, and the whole elevation-concealment thing seems like an unnecessary complication (though, admittedly, a cool one). They're also kind of expensive and a real pain in the butt to activate. Your average horse can't even use them unless trained to perform? After you shell out 70k gp to buy the damned thing? Still, coolness in name and coolness in function goes really far. The captain would consider these, if he allowed smelly horses onto his ship.

Fate-Woven Braid of the Norns

Great name with an evocative description. Norns and fate and luck and all that jazz are awesome; it's why Desna's my homegirl. It's really strong and really cheap, which can obviously cause some problems, but that's a minor problem. The weakness here is also great. It's not technically unlimited, since there's always a chance--however minor--that you'll muck up the braid. I'm not sure how often colons are actually used in magical item formatting (or anything mechanically?), but I frickin' love colons. I ain't never gonna dock an item on colon use.

Crow Brother's Cloak

Very Fiddlesticks, but not everyone's played that game. I don't even play anymore, though Lulu will always live on in my heart. And on my desk.
Tangent over: This item irritates me with its use of weird timing and mechanics. Why only 13 rounds? Just round it off to a minute, I can't be bothered to track that! Do the rounds spent as part of the swarm count double? It seems to imply that, but it can easily be read either way. This also seems pretty cheap for an on-demand swarm of flying death. Still, murders of crows always gain coolness points, and there's a lot to be said for coolness points.

Storm's Wrath

The effect of this one just doesn't excite me. So it's a +1 thundering shock composite longbow (+2 Str) of wind-gusts and lighting-calls. They're combined in a nice little package, and there's some neat crossover between the magic on the bow as the cone of lightning procs the thundering effect, but overall... it just doesn't scream awesome. It's really solid mechanically, though, and there's a lot to be said for that. The effects play nicely with each other in a logical and thematic way. And every captain knows to fear a storm's wrath.

Starsling Buckler

I loved this one right up until the stars were really just sling bullets. I felt... I don't know, cheated? Perhaps I'm just biased, since a character straight out of my fiction has a thing with stars and magic and whatever... and having this not really be little blasts of searing starlight struck a chord. Yet, it makes the item's title really come together and adds some neat utility to having a 5-shot sling glued to your arm. If I had a slinger aboard my ship, I'd have the bastard buy this in a heartbeat.

Choker of the Queen Bee

Ugh. A bee stings my neck when I put this on, then makes me sound like one of those annoying cartoon bee characters? And that's intimidating, somehow? Except for when I don't want to be, because then I'm diplomatic. Or when you vomit bees all over your enemies, because then the magic is used up for the day. I mean, shit, it's solid. It's priced about right, and written well, and it's a fine item. But why. Why. I'd throw the idiot that brought this onto my ship overboard.

Ebon Fury

Lucerne hammers? I love those things! Really, the weakest thing here is the name. The first effect is cool. The interaction with the second effect is frickin' awesome. It's got a great visual, it's got some obvious applications, and it does what it sets out to do in a concise and mechanically sound manner. Maybe it's too limited in daily-use for the price, considering it has a pretty easy save? I've... I've really got no snarky comments to make. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Brooch of the Monarch

To those in the know, it is no secret I wuv Desna, so these easily win love from me. Not having the fly effect being a swarm of butterflies carrying the user or an ally around is a missed opportunity for sure. It also feels a little weak for the price? It looks like the majority of the gold you're spending here is for the 5 minute flight, but that's once a day when the really cool effect here is the protective swarm of butterflies to muck with your enemies. But that's only on crits, with a really weak nauseate DC, and a really short duration and minor AC buff... I'd really rather have the first effect take center stage and let the fly just be a kind of neat add-on. Maybe if you were reduced below X hp by a crit, the swarm could carry you to safety...

Quill of Leng

Swarms, but creepy swarms! I'm not a huge fan of Leng or its spiders, so this sat poorly with me from the get-go. It's a cool effect, but it really strikes me more of a villain type item, who brings his library to bear against the PCs as they rush to get the Quill away from him and smash the blasted thing before they're overwhelmed with living deathwords. (As a professional wordman, I do love the idea of deathwords, though.) Which means, obviously, it's a solid item. But it fits more into the plot-item category of things than the 'stuff I want to have on my ship' group. As a matter of fact, this would be going into the water right after that choker of allergic to bees--possibly even before.

Purging Lotus Bell

I don't like the idea of having a bell floating over my head all the time. You just know some annoying kid would run up and ring the damned thing. That said, it's a bard item doing bard things. I love bards doing bard things. I don't really like the idea of giving away the super cool bard spell of saving finale to smelly non-bards who totally don't deserve it. And really, that's all this is doing... with the extra addition of +4 from timely inspiration (which is +4 when the item's only a CL 3, for some reason) and, shit, let's just not play it with any hands either because bards are obviously being punished for using instruments in their hands. Admittedly, it does irk the shit out of me that bards do get punished for holding instruments and so every minmaximus takes Perform (nohands,bitches) instead. But I don't think this is the way to go about fixing the problem.

Bottled Cloud


Whoomp! I'm not sure this is the place for onomatopoeia. As a wordman that alone made me cringe. I'd rather not be told what it sounds like when I pop the cork on this thing. I know, I know, it's going to sound like whoooomp. We both know that. But somehow it feels wrong here. It goes on to be a spell in a bottle... until the awesome interaction with electricity. That right there redeemed the whoomp. It's obvious (and totally Divinity: Original Sin)! And you know what? It's awesome in that game, and now there's a mechanical means for doing the same shit in Pathfinder. I'm sold.


Spiraled Madu

I have a personal vendetta against "for X rounds that need not be consecutive" effects. I'm not sure these actually need not be consecutive, but that feels like a cop-out way of making an item go for longer so that people minmax their use round by round. It's like using Lingering Performance to only really use bardic performance once every 3 rounds, just 'cuz.  That said, this is a cool item. It's got a super cool visual on a super underutilized item that does something really neat. Gotta rev up my chainshield so I can beat some people with my chainsword.

Banshee's Tongue

I'm not digging the bonuses and penalties to saves here. Why should it work that way? Is the sound of the rapier really that loud and annoying? I guess it's very Banshee-like, but I'd keelhaul the sailor with a blade that irritating. The second and third effects? Now we're talking. That's cool stuff. Even the weakness of being useless-ish in silence is thematic and appropriate, without killing the item's usefulness entirely. I'm also not entirely sure why bards are the only people that can craft these properly, but I'll take it. Bard for lyfe.

Hide of the Hagfish

At last, an item to combat those pesky merfolk that keep poking at my ship's hull. I'll just have to put it on my least favorite sailor, because it's gross. It's also damned niche, but it's a good niche. Underwater difficult terrain is unheard of, I think? It sure shouldn't be! I don't know how I feel about the slime being suffocating... as I've learned in fiddling about with something I wrote for something else, suffocation is really, really strong. I think I'd rather just have a slimy sailor who can go down there and chop up some merfolk on their turf while they're all stuck in a cloud of goo and unable to swim away.

Glaive of the Lion-Hearted

The description here feels off, somehow. Also really, really heavy. It also strikes me as strange that the wielder is the one doing the roaring. I know fighters and barbarians are always making crazy noises in combat, but c'mon. And once per day on a critical that only really matters if there just happens to be silence nearby. That's really, really specific. 95% of the time you proc the lion's roar, it's not going to do jack shit. The other 5% of the time it's really frickin' good, because it dispels that silence real quick. And penalties for retreating, for some reason. What warrants running from a fight? A withdraw action? A tactical withdraw? Full-out-scream-for-you-life running? I want to love this item, but it just doesn't sit well with me.

Figurine of Wondrous Power, Ruby Butterfly

This, I hated. It's derivative and sort of boring and not really all that fun to look at. And that's all saying a lot, since it's rocking the Desna-butterfly theme (perhaps unintentionally, since it only works with arcane casters?). Also, why are we giving arcane casters nice things? Like, ever. Have we all seen the wizard? Why would we give him anything nice? He can just wish for it. So the item itself is fine, I guess. It does butterfly things and watches you while you sleep, or something, protecting you from nightmares. I'm not really sure how it can protect you while you're sleeping? It's a butterfly. The damn thing can't even wake you up, because it's a butterfly. I'd much rather it have clearly defined dream-based powers for 8 hours at a time than have this strange protective butterfly-bat-touch-spell power glued on.

Brass Helmsman

At last! Crewmen I don't have to pay! I loved this item, despite my issues with its mechanical strangeness. This one feels like a Figurine of Wondrous Power done right. The ghost-pirate crewmen seem a little strange and off-theme to me, but the whole aesthetic is cool and the niche is just right. Mechanically, it just seems clunky. Reducing things by a quarter, but not below one, but only for nonmagical boats, or something. I'd rather just have the brass helmsmen take the wheel while a trio of ghostly sailors supplement my crew. On a rowboat or launch or whatever, that would cover the crew needed for the most part, while on my ship they'd be flying around doing ghost-pirate things far faster than the scurvy landlubbers that I call a crew.

Iounic Pipes

Another bardic type item! And this one interacts with stuff that already exists in a cool way. On the surface, I really dig this item. But... I don't really get it. So they float around my head, like ioun stones, but I have to hold it to use it anyway, so what's the point there? It makes ioun stones dance, which is cool, but I'm not sure why the benefit of +1x deflection only applies to the owner's stones, when it's clearly making everyone's stones dance. Also, wow, there's a sentence that should not be taken out of context. I also don't really care for item's that are do the whole 'hey you can do this, or this, or even this' bullet point thing. I'd rather just have it do X or Y in A or B situation. Then there's no real set duration for the abilities, or clear indication of whose ioun stones are harassing who, or something or other. They're also really, really expensive for just doing one thing really well: fucking with someone's ioun stones.

Aaaaand on that note, so end the first set of the Captain's critiques.

The Captain's Musings: RPG Superstar Season 9

Congrats to all the talented individuals who've made it this far! Speaking from experience, now is when the real challenge begins. Granted, I can't speak for much more than the deer-in-headlights frozen-in-fear moment of realizing you've made it through the starting gates into full out sprint against Usain Bolt himself while you're both being chased by a rabid cheetah and you're all on fire.

That pretty much sums up my experience with RPG Superstar. Also really poor drawing skills. But I've already talked about that at length.

I didn't get to vote as much as I'd have liked this year. The switch to the summer-fall season works great for some. Doesn't work so great for a beach bum who has no desire to sit around voting on stuff when there's beach bumming to do. Even if that beach bumming involves sitting behind my house and imagining the beach was much closer and the parkway was traffic free. Toll free too, if we're really getting into hopes and dreams.

But that's not the point. The point is, there's a few keepers I loved that made it through to the end. A few of those belong to people I know, and I'm glad to see them make it! I shall be quietly rooting for them from the sidelines. I'd actually sort of prefer if everything were anonymous until the very end...  adding names to things makes it feel like a popularity pissing contest. Point is, you know who you are, and I'm wishing you the best of luck! (Assuming, of course, you even read this. Which you probably aren't. It's okay, I wuv you guys anyway.)

In time, I'll probably go through and review all of the items that made it to the top. It feels like the proper thing for a wannabe-freelancer and previous-Top-32-disaster to do for fellow contestants. I'll probably just do it here, where I can cover all of them in one giant wall of text. Also where I can hide from the veiled civility of a public forum. I'd much rather we all just yelled at each other all the time. It's much more Jersey.

Personal aside: I did not make the Top 32 this year and I couldn't be happier. I hate competition; I do not perform well under pressure.

Just under deadlines.

I'm fairly certain the best piece of writing I ever made was a caffeine-fueled college paper about Dracula that kicked complete ass and I only really vaguely remember the specifics of. I do know, however, that it was amazing. I'm not even sure my professor knew what was going on there. Now, if said paper were being measured against the merits of fellow students? It would have have been a colossal failure.

Plus, RPG Superstar is so much visibility. I'd much rather play from home, where there's no pressure and I can fiddle about as much as I want, ignoring all the rules.

Real pirates don't need rules, so neither do I. Hell, neither should you.

But not you people in the Top 32. (And you alternates!) You should totally follow the rules. Now go and win this thing!